Let me start this by saying; this is the hardest subject I have ever written about.
7/20/2017 -- Our 4 year anniversary and also the day I was going to propose.
Cold feet-
To be truthful, this is the second time that I had set an actual date to propose. The first time I had everything planned and in my mind it would have been perfect. Weeks before that date I really had to sit down and ask myself if this is something I wanted to do, honestly I had gotten cold feet. I told myself that it was something I wanted to do but I wanted to make sure the timing was correct. One thing I constantly see with this day in age is younger people getting into something serious prematurely, and I wanted to be 100,000% confident in myself and our relationship that it was something I wanted to pursue. I view a marriage as a ONE TIME thing. Not that I would ever look down or judge a failed marriage, but I want to be married one time, I want to see my mom and dad dressed up watching the love come alive on such a beautiful day one time, I want to stand there in my tuxedo watching her walk down the aisle one time and I want to spend the 6 months prior to a wedding with one person. Eating pounds of food and cake, taking pictures and making invitations, picking out flowers and venues... I want that one time.
"when you're a kid you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that" - Pam Beesly
I gave myself a timeframe and on January 1st, 2017, during my new years kiss, I told God and myself that I was ready to make this commitment. It kind of felt like a movie, I remember holding her and staring into her eyes and everything moved into slow motion. I closed my eyes and leaned in and kissed her. I kissed her like I knew there was no doubt in my mind that this was it, there was no more searching I needed to do. I had crashed my boat on an island and she was the only other person on that island and I was okay with that.
Right girl wrong time? Wrong girl right time?--
With every day that surpasses I learn something new about myself and what I can truly accomplish alone. Being in a long term relatioship I had evolved into a person that only knew how to function with my other half. I lost the ability to be alone, and I believe that in order to truly be happy and in "love" you need to learn how to be on your own first. You will never be able to make someone else happy unless you yourself are in fact HAPPY.
Step 1: Discover who YOU are
Step 2: Make YOUrself happy.
Step 3: Find someone who brings out the best in YOU. (don't ever change yourself to benefit someone else, God made you who you are and NO ONE can ever change that)
Step 4: Love YOUrself before giving love to anyone else.
Step 5: ... Follow YOUr heart and tread lightly.
Step 6: Be open, honest and committed.
Thank you, for not letting me go through with this ---
Its honestly heart crunching to come to the realization that you can be with someone, every single day, for FOUR years! and never really know who they are. It wasn't until after our break up that I started to see her true colors, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful to have the past four years of my life as one long learning experience. I can now stand here proud and tall and stare down any obsticle that approaches me and say "there's nothing I can't handle, bring it on bitch!" (Well maybe I don't have to say bitch, but you get the point). I have fought this battle with myself, I have told myself countless times that whatever happens everything will get better.
"If the grass looks greener on the other side... stop staring, stop comparing, stop complaining and start watering the grass you're standing on."
Do you have just have those super self emotional moments in your car?.... You know your driving down a road that you drive down all the time, but this one specific time you start noticing things you have never noticed before. You see a flower the has bloomed at the base of a speed limit sign, and of course your phone is on shuffle but that one song comes on that no matter how hard you try you have to turn it up so loud that your doors start to rumble. You look at yourself in the rear view mirror and you think to yourself "either I have been bitten by a radioactive spider and my spidey senses are kicking in... or I feel like my heart is going to explode with this silly feeling pulsing through my body".
In these moments in time you can really reflect on your innerself, you can literally stare at yourself in a mirror and have a full blown conversation with YOURSELF with just a quick glance and I think that is just quite amazing.
"So starting today
I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, I'mma face my demons
I'm manning up, I'mma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now." -Eminem
The 1----
I wake up this morning (and every morning) with a smile on my face, a healthy body and a view of everyday with nothing but the intent to create happiness. It's kind of crazy how the movies and books are almost always right, and I mean that by: "When you find the one, you'll know". I think that when you truly find that person that you're going to spend the rest of your life with that you'll know. It won't be something that your friends will tell you, it won't be a conversation that you'll have with your mom during a family gathering.
You will know, you'll wake up one morning and while your getting ready for work you'll see their toothbrush on the bathroom sink. You will look at their toothbrush and deep down in your heart and mind you will say to yourself "Good morning bro, (I call myself bro) I know this may sound silly, but I love seeing her toothbrush there. It, in some odd way, makes me feel complete. I could wake up every morning for the rest of my life and, even if I don't see her for the entire day, as long as I can see her toothbrush sitting on the counter I feel complete". Now I know this analogy may be a stretch! and it probably doesn't make any sense. But, it's something that I felt.
The long story short----
Falling in love really isn't that hard, find out who you are and fall in love with yourself first. Discover what you can accomplish alone, and then take all the learning experiences and love you have for yourself and search for that ONE person that compliments every positive, negative, insecurity and imperfection that you have.
The long story short 2-----
Clean your bathroom, spend some quality time emptying out the trash, wipe down the toilet and sink, get out the Windex and clean your mirror. Position your toothpaste and toothbrush right where you left it from the day before and who knows, maybe one day you'll wake up to two toothbrushes.